It all started in high school when I got sick of being on the outside of all the crude jokes. I was seen as a good kid—pastor’s daughter, sheltered and naive about the world. I never understood what the other kids were joking about, so after school I would look up on the internet what I had heard that day. Eventually, this led me down a dangerous path, and I found myself in a place of addiction, even as I was following Jesus.
Now I could laugh along with the kids at school, but my double life soon made relating honestly with Jesus difficult. Although there certainly were bouts where my sin led me to places where I didn’t want Jesus, overall, my desire was to be close to Him and obey Him. But every time I sinned, I would feel too ashamed to go to Him. Just like Adam and Eve, I wanted to hide. It made talking to God and reading His Word nearly impossible because I felt I wasn’t good enough to approach Him.My shame was a wall that was being built brick by brick between my Savior and me; I was the one building it.
After I had spent five years living with this mounting wall of shame, Jesus helped me tear it down—through regular accountability, a strong conviction that this was not God’s best for my life and total dependence on Him for healing and freedom. It was not easy, but little by little, the Father’s love, truth and grace broke through the wall, and I learned thatHe wants me to come to Him, especially in my shame. There were times I felt so broken, so wrong. I had to learn how to let Him wash away my shame and replace it with my true identity, a Daughter of the Most High God. I learned that I’m not good enough to approach Him, but because I am covered in Jesus’ blood, I am FREE and welcomed to approach Him confidently.
Resources
Sex is Not the Problem (Lust Is): This book is especially helpful in finding freedom from sexual sin. It provides practical help for both men and women who struggle with sexual addiction.
